Addiction

11/4

2007-04-11T19:07:00.000+08:00

i am a ruthless painter.

i will paint you the colour of wretchedness
that soothes the soarest holes of your heart
the bleeding cells of your brain
clouding the darkest spectra of your fantasies
that swells in your loins
splits in your ears
breaks your heart into halves.

…evoking defenseless emotions against my paintings.

a collision of ambitions.

I hope you do. Hi, I'm...

2007-04-07T23:09:00.000+08:00

Digging the past, raking the future, grasping the present, trying to figure out the missing jigsaw puzzles. I know he is going to die soon. Sometimes a person does not really necessary have to stop breathing forever to die. They can just lose the will to live, or just simply forgetting how do they end up breathing in the beginning.

I do not want him to die. Not that soon.

Everytime I look at him, in a way, time has not really change everything. Temporarily.

But sometimes I look at him, in several ways, time does change certain things. Permanently.

The memories that are mysteriously gone.

The tiny particles of memories draining out of his mind. He tries to guard them preciously all together with his might, but a failing memory can only withhold this much. And these soon will be dispersed to only God knows where. An abyss of voidness...of space and time. Day and night, he rummages through drawers(probably of those in his mind too), walking up and down the stairs in a fidgety manner, sighing to himself," I am forgetting."

Running out of time. Running out of solutions. Running out of chances.And also soon, he has to wear an identity card, with his name,address and house number on it in case he gets lost. Running out of choices.

He conjugates the past tense lost from the first person of view.He has been lost. He is lost. He will be lost.

I see big gaps of holes in the jigsaw puzzle. I keep on sketching him the empty parts for him because he keeps on asking me again and again,from time to time.

Sometimes, I forget too. I forget that he forgets.

Soon, he will not even remember what does the picture look like in the first place.

And he will ask me, " Do I know you?"

11/3

2007-03-14T06:40:00.000+08:00

like you. feeling. know. sorry. never. give. up. challenge. bye.
another poor actor.
please spare me.

03/1/07

2007-01-03T17:50:00.000+08:00

I inhaled the warm air, and closed my eyes.The diffusion of it all produced a delusional sensation that boiled abruptly within me. Something that I have not experienced in a long, long time. There was nothing melancholy about the night. And no electricity in the air. I can still recall how pacifying was the sight of the fading luminescence of the sky . In the lavish dark, I strolled past the trees, grown wild and brambly over time. There was an air of elegance to the green leaves, about the way it curled, its wilderness and its fresh, raw fragrance that made its beauty all together familiar. Broodingly familiar.

Beauty is a quality that I find remote, stark and chilling.

15/12

2006-12-15T20:43:00.000+08:00

i am feeling rather dissapointed today.
there was this searing pain behind my head that wouldn't go off. it was rather difficult to hold back my emotions and try to smile and talk at the same time. i swallowed my saliva several times, trying to keep myself all together, composed and polite, trying to hold back those tears from flowing in front of my relatives. i didn't feel better. i tried stuffing everything in me and not let it out. like how you empty all of the garbage into a plastic bag and tie it into a tight knot? it was almost the same. but except that they were my emotions. when we were on the way home, rain started pouring down heavily. i just gazed up the gloomy sky, don't know what to expect.
on the way home, a car zoomed past us. in it, there was a handsomely dark ,small boy with big eyes. he looked at me with this sort of unwavering curiosity. so i stared at him back. and then he smiled in respond.

30/11

2006-11-30T22:52:00.000+08:00

I tried recalling back all of the little details of it but to no avail. Mother's cunt, I cursed to myself. It is always like that. I woke up with a bad migraine. Blood vessels throbbed hard against my temples. Sweat trickled down my face. I looked out into the window wistfully, longing for some none existent breeze. The heat was overbearing. And the room was stuffy.

I forced myself to remember everything. This time it was different, it was a kind of an estatic frenzy, it was a happy dream.There were wedding chimes, vanilla ice cream, pristine white- colored frocks with pretty laces, ties and bows, cocktail drinks, intimacy and lots of laughter. I saw myself walking down the aisle, smiling...and there was a man, an endearing one that I was totally besotted with. How unusual. Fairytale-like dreams do not usually bestow me. I had to have the dream jotted down before I forget everything, I urged myself.

Fragments of this and that, and nothing more. You see, dreams are always like that. Unlike memories. You can't keep them even though you wanted to. But as for the unwanted ones, they stick to the back of your mind as detestable remnants that will not go off for a long, long time. Like a stubborn chewing gum that sticks to your shoe or like the ink stain that couldn't be washed off.

" I can't believe it actually happened."

Those were the words that I muttered to myself before the dream blurred into nothingness. Were the words an omen or a sign in a way? Could it be significant somehow? Are dreams related to reality? I'm skeptical about that ( I dreamt once that I was sinfully wronged and pregnant). Absurdity,absurdity.

But I digress. I asked myself then, why do people dream. I stared at the four white walls of my bedroom.Pondering. Waiting for a tiny miracle for my question to be answered.

But then again, have not I been waiting for a miracle for all my life?

2/11

2006-11-03T19:20:00.000+08:00

yesterday was my birthday. i am a year older now. unbelievable. i'm feeling happy.

20/10

2006-10-20T23:09:00.000+08:00

I clung to her with all my life and softly pecked her on the forehead. The skies were a brooding grey. Everything seemed to darken into mere shadows. The cold, nippy air of the stygian, inky and pitch-black night should be at fault for the goose bumps I had on my skin. The night was molesting. It was dark, dingy and numbing. Lights were absent. The fine line between lies and truth became indistinguishable, that even living seemed to be an illusion.The ironic thing was not that I was unclad, in fact fully clothed, but I felt vulnerable, naked and peeled. It seemed that her presence never seemed to fail to stir me poignantly all the time. I was afraid, doubtful, and skeptical. Her eyes were not the color of dark brown as usual. That night, I saw a fiery reddish, amber color flickering dangerously right through them. It was serpentine. Vipers with beady, black eyes slithered in them. I fancied thinking there were malignant streaks in their blood. Instinctively, I recalled of the saying that the eyes are the windows to your soul. My face pulled into a frown. I stared her intently in the eyes.My veins were pregnant with fear. A whirlpool of confusion and despair boiled in my blood.I abruptly recoiled from her embrace. She had a face that no one should trust, it was treacherous. I walked out from the room with a reposed composure. A more confused person had never breathed.

6/9

2006-09-06T19:24:00.000+08:00

i seriously feel so tired right now. i wish that i'll never never ever again have to suffer from a case of severe back ache each time i wake up from sleep because it hurts so bad. i wish that i could put a halt to everything. breathing-pain-time. i cannot keep up.

Sister's boyfriend

2006-09-01T19:38:00.000+08:00

my anger is seriously culminating to a very dangerous degree that i find the thought of strangling his neck with my bare hands utterly irresistable. pangs of jealousy just swell in me each time i lay my eyes upon him. i harbour so much resentment, contempt and grudge against him. my sister doesn't talks to me anymore. she misses dinner all the time to go out with her boyfriend. i hate her. i hate her boyfriend. which part of the sentence 'i just want to have dinner with my sister' that both of them do not comprehend? idiots. don't they respect me? i just want to be close again to my sister. am i asking too much?

i wish we would share secrets together again. i miss those times where we used to cuddle up in blankets, talk and giggle about each other's crush every night. i want you to know how much i hate it when we're not in talking terms and understand how painful and horrible is it to eat cold dinner alone, staring at the door..waiting for you to come back in vain.

i wish that you'd know how much i love you.

Pantun Perpisahan

2006-08-30T00:45:00.000+08:00

hari ini menugal jagung
hari esok menugal jelai
hari ini kita berkampung
hari esok kita bercerai

dari mana hendak ke mana
tinggi rumput dari padi
hari mana bulan yang mana
dapat kita bertemu lagi

kelip-kelip kusangka api
kalau api mana puntungnya
hilang ghaib kusangka mati
kalau mati mana kuburnya

batang selasih permainan budak
berdaun sehelai dimakan kuda
bercerai kasih bertalak tidak
seribu tahun kembali juga

orang aceh sedang bersembahyang
hari jumaat tengah hari
pergilah kasih pergilah sayang
pandai-pandai menjaga diri

mana manggung mana periaman
mana batu kiliran taji
tinggal kampung tinggal halaman
tinggal tepian tempat mandi

bintang barat terbit petang
bintang timur terbit pagi
jika tidak melarat panjang
ada umur ketemu lagi

Dreams

2006-08-18T12:39:00.000+08:00

Dreaming is a door that divides my secret world with reality. People drift in and out through that door; cross my heart, and straight into my life. My secret world is fulfilling, exciting, somewhat immoral, I could be whatever I want, meet whomever I like, fly to wherever I want. Where physical movements know no limitations, happiness meets no boundaries. Dreams tolerate no reality; an accomplished fact without planning.

I breathe in reality, but I plunge myself into this frenetic journey, into my secret world, that is so beautiful beyond what words and scientific logic could express. I will escape. I will dream.

3/8

2006-08-03T19:17:00.000+08:00

Listen to the beatings of my heart ;
The pulse of my life .
My love, my opiate , my forgetting , my oblivion .

This Flash of Lust

2006-08-02T17:30:00.000+08:00

A rush of exaltation, and then everything begins;a treatise of longing. This seduction inebriates, and intoxicates me with a spasm of swelling inner pain and sublime of pleasure in a brawling, poisoning manner like a lethal injection of morphine. This unequalled, unexampled fatal attraction…saturates and satiates delirium and disillusion until sobriety leaks effusive tears, weeping, but yet I crave, beg and yield for more. My restless body is divided, torned between tears and smiles, while my heart reels with much primitive, heartfelt hunger for more, but yet I don’t expect myself to repent this tantalizing temptation. How deceiving. The heart asks pleasure first, and then excuse from pain, what a fallacy.Till now, I still will not give the liberty to my fettered self, to let go, for I am still wistfully waiting for you.

I cannot teach myself to forget this flash of lust.

Once we were Full of Life

2006-07-29T21:47:00.000+08:00

Once we were full of life..

She looked at the old,dusty photograph of her,again,perhaps for the final time.She felt helpess as tears,like wax,fell abundantly,the grief that she felt was truly artless.Wholly unmodulated,palpable undesirable.She prayed,that the memories of her,would decay within,eventually.She wished,that her distress,would not be poignant enough to keep her eyes unclosed.Love is intensifed by absence,she learned of the repellent truth,the hard way.They say,through death,all things become clear.How true was that?Hope is vain,trust is childish,she decided.Akin to glass,she felt empty and transparent,naked and exposed.As if someone would stare into her piercing eyes,and could tell there were chinks in her faith,holes in her heart.Numbed with indifference,imperceptible emotions that transcend logical explanations beyond understanding filled the recesses of her feeble conscience.Feelings were most acute and retentive in reviving,retrieving back to life painful memories.Vertiginous falling sensations settled into her veins,limbs and brain like molten lead.She felt like a leprous dog,clinging to life.

In a conspiracy of silence,she asked herself-What isn't pain in life?

18/7

2006-07-18T18:39:00.000+08:00

i could not cry
because i am incapable of feeling
i would not talk
about how i had forgotten to write
i will never tell
anyone about the incident that changed my life

.....................forever

For Bambi

2006-07-08T21:55:00.000+08:00

"Your dog died"
three syllabus,three words
of an unpalatable truth
mouthed with such ease
and unperturbed composure
leaves behind an untangled mass
of unanswered whys',buts',and ifs'
bursting my bubble of a twisted skein
of innocent faith
of puritan love

My dog died
three syllabus,three words
let no moaning be done
and pain permeating the night
for my heart burns with a fire
more arduous,brighter than all of the many stars put together
as Bambi swivells his delicate head happily
between the skies of angels and seraphs-
i relish of her departure
maybe she's happier up there..

red miracles

2006-07-07T11:02:00.000+08:00

In a dark,unfathomable turmoil
a dream of tainted truth
a visceral female instinct as its periphery
and burried,pitiless antagonism
red miracles spilling forth
a crescendo of bewildering fantasies of accurst passion
witnessing the nullification of pretentious masquerade
that blandly reposes
of a crisis,of a fever
'malefic love'-

within each attempt
the compelling thirst,unsatiable lust
burns the faith in vain
with the moaning,groaning
the sighing,sobbing
of streaming,vindictive,wet tears
and the horrible art of heart-throbbing
deeply stained pain and haunting erotic despair
that is too much..
for one deeply tantalized soul to bear..

Poetic Spell

2006-07-04T18:34:00.000+08:00

In a fever of a minute
Lifeless,unveiled
thinly disguised memoirs
Spring to life
Hunting familiar grounds
Weaving a poetic spell
of sealed,startling,sensational revelations..
The poignancy of perverted despair
of bad karma,separation and reconciliation
and of silent,mustered hopes feeding the Earth
to face the stirred midnight's inertia
by embracing the mystical genesis of life
as our fates intertwined...
in desperation of strange fits of passion

Two-dollar whore

2006-06-29T22:32:00.000+08:00

Like a two-dollar whore,
Duplicitous,perfidious,
Like sparks and burning twigs,
Dangerous ideas come to life...
Her splintered loss,
I grieve in somber velvet,
Her rekindled rage,
My heart echoes bloodless and incensed.

Night

2006-06-24T15:02:00.000+08:00

The night is sickened
Seared with sentiments
You've plundered my mauve fragrance
But you won't stay any longer
But you won't stay any longer
Abandoning me faraway in the night
For wicked flights of pleasure.........

She must be in love

2006-06-24T08:54:00.000+08:00

Those soft brown curls that framed his tender face.The hope that shimmered in his blue,oh,so soft blue,sky-blue eyes.His caressness against her skin.

His laughter.His touch.His words.

Lovely.She ached for him.

Her blood begun to rush.Her head became misty.Him,him,him.The passion inside her ablazed with arduous fire.Overwhelming,intense,fervent.Like high fever.But,it got stronger by day.Helpless and weak,so drugged,she's drowning,she thought.Fatal seduction.She felt an unreasoned happiness..chasm of elation..like explosive profusion of...

Esctasy.Rapture.Happiness.Bliss.Hope.Delirium.Euphoria.Mirth.Heaven?

Incredible.Unexplainable.Unbelievable.

She must be mad.But she can't stop being mad.And she don't want to stop being mad.

She must be in love.Was this love? What is love?

She pondered.

She Bled

2006-06-23T21:34:00.000+08:00

He grasped her hand so tightly.He would not let her go.Never would.

She remembered the incident so vivdly.So much torment was brought to her.He replaced all the emotions of her.From love to intense hatred,from compassion to bitterness.He churned her heart,the physical pain he inflicted on her.How could she forget?Agony.A living hell in Earth.

She saw blood,and only blood everywhere.Inside,she let out a muted scream.No words were capable to describe the hatred buried in her.Revenge was done.She knew she was doomed to ignominy and perdition.No more threats,only an unbearable,painful clinging of remembrance of him.That's all.Memories.And no more.

She was mentally raped long time ago.She lost her sanity.

What remained was the bitter sweet smell of festering insanity.The only repair she longed for,was to die to stop the pain...the haunting illusion of his face.

Damn

2006-06-20T11:57:00.000+08:00

To articulate the unspeakable is suicidal.Each time when I turn on the computer screen,my mind go blank.Eternal muses go dry.What remains is only eternal damnation.Feel so cursed to be such an emotional turmoil state,and I could not express them.Maybe it’s impossible,for me to express in such a way for you to truly comprehend the gushing emotions in me ,for, we maybe feeling completely,utterly,two completely different things now.You may be thinking of the honeyed sunlight,the clear blue sky,the chirping of the birds,such sweetness that only Life could offer while I’m sitting here licking my wounds,wondering how aberrant am I from other people else,doubting of what have Life got to offer since I just feel out of place,and eccentric most of the time in school.In other unpleasant way of saying is, left out,social outcast.But is it possible for you all,to at least understand, the complications that I’m going through? Painfully aware of my limitations,I wish to express every single doubt,emotions, and hurt in me, but I could not seem to find those very words.Damn.Damn.Damn.

Fever

2006-06-13T17:14:00.000+08:00

As the shower of water slowly rushed down her body,from the very top of her ravishing dark,long hair,of the colour so dark and black as midnight,to her back which then flowed and slided to her slender waist,and from her legs to gently tapping the floor,the floodgates of the pair of her eyes were invaded,opened,sending down,unwelcoming,overwhelming and unexpected tears rolling,streaming down her soft round cheeks.The salty tears,flowed endlessly,not taking heed of its own bounty nor her needs.Such was the business of those tears.

The water cleansed her body free from dirt and blood.Yes,blood of her sadistic lover,who took pride and delight in abusing,torchering her,until every inch of her flesh was bloody.No,he could not harm her anymore,for he was gone now,forever and for good.She silently hoped that the gush of water would wash away,and purge away all of her sins,guilt and regret.

All at once,suddenly,she felt a sudden spasm of pain intruding her mind and thoughts thoroughly,without even leaving a premonition first.The mental torture was too much to bear.She cursed herself for being so vulnerable to pain.She was pain's prey,again.The searing,excruciating,seething pain crept and reached into every vital element of her.The permutations of these anguish turned into knots.The pain mercilessly raped her consciousness and devoured her completely.She felt violated,destroyed.She was finished.

Torned was she into what seemed to be a million little pieces.Her heart was grieving,bleeding and suffering.She wished that memories of him would wither away with time,naturally.